In my journey I have had many goals. Some I have hit on quickly and some have taken years. Having those smaller goals, in addition to the big picture goals, makes things a lot easier for me. I can say I want my A1C to be this number and I want the scale to show that number and I want to be able to meet these requirements. But having smaller goals along the way makes a huge difference. At this point my goals have been to get my A1C below diabetic range and to get my weight down about 50 lbs. These are not my end game goals but they were my short range goals for getting healthier and I have hit those.
Most people who lose weight, even just 5 lbs, immediately feel better about themselves and go buy a new dress, new belt, new something to show off the difference. To them buying the new clothing makes them feel even better about themselves. I LOVE going clothes shopping whenever I have the extra money to do so... except I hate doing so that first time after losing any weight. I know! That is so weird. Everyone loves seeing how much smaller they are but I am not quite built that way.
Truthfully, I have a level of anxiety any time I have ever lost more than 10 lbs. I have the same level of anxiety any time I have gained more than a few lbs. If I can't walk in the store and pluck out the size I believe myself to be without thinking about it too hard then I hate shopping. I will still try everything on in the fitting room, adjust up or down as needed or discard that choice altogether. But that initial grab and flipping through the racks makes me uncomfortable when I don't know where in the store to aim.
Recently I realized that it is getting chilly outside and I no longer have any jeans that fit me well. Knowing that my body is still changing I hit the local thrift store for some second hand jeans to get me through for a while. I have lost 50 lbs in the last 15 weeks. That's a huge amount of weight!!! So going into the store I went to the jeans section and found my previous size... and stared at it. When I went down 1 size, then 2 sizes, then 3. I needed to try on something from all these sizes because I just didn't know what size was correct.
When I got into the fitting room and just looked at all these different sized clothes in front of me I just stared and couldn't bring myself to try them on. In my head I kept seeing my previous self. Even today, when I look in the mirror I don't immediately notice the changes. I look every day to brush my hair or put myself together and I still just see me. It is my clothes that tell the story. Looking at 3 different sized items made me want to curl in a ball. What is none of them fit? What if I didn't change as much as I thought? What if? What if? What if? After about 5 minutes of staring and not moving I finally tried everything on.
I dropped down about 2 1/2 sizes. The ones that were 3 sizes smaller are too tight but the ones that are 2 sizes down were a little loose. It felt good to get a number. Inside I did a little happy dance at my progress and how well it went. To get to that step of just going into the store and trying something on though... I can't express how hard that was for me. I have never been an extremely anxious person. I have never needed therapy or happy pills (though if you do I am all for doing whatever you need for your best mental health). I have never felt I can't do what is necessary out of fear. This is the one area that I have a big issue. Trying on clothing when I don't know my size terrifies me in a way that doesn't make any logical sense.
I still have only bought that one pair of jeans. Being as I am working from home at this time I didn't have a need to go buy new dresses or work clothes. I can wear leggings 5 days a week without issue. I only need "real clothes" for the weekends. Dresses for church are absolutely on my list but for the time being I can wear what I already own with a belt or a sweater or something so it doesn't apear to hang on my too much. Now that I have crossed that hump of buying a new pair and seeing my new size though I no longer have that fear of seeing what will happen when I go shopping. I know what size to look for and will do so.
My next goal is only 10 lbs away. That would be the goal weight I had originally set about 12 years ago. That would put me in the "overweight" category by BMI instead of the "obese" catagory. My A1C may be in the normal range but it is at the very top thereof and could easily slide. Even though I don't need that checked for another year my goal for a year from now is to be firmly in the middle of "normal" range there. One long term goal and one short term goal. As I hit those I'll adjust and add new goals.
Now if only in another 10 lbs someone would drag me to the store so I don't beat myself up about trying on new sizes again.
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